[ of course kaeya can understand that this is going too far. despite all of his doubts and beliefs about who he is as a person, even he can't deny that this is crossing a line that he isn't quite ready to bridge just yet. getting innocent civilians should have been something of an inevitability, an outcome that he should have seen coming from a mile away, but he's just lying to himself at this point. he'd come to accept that this was a possibility ever since he'd made his choice, regardless of whether or not it was an explicit realization.

the past few weeks have been leading up to this, after all. some kind of half-hearted attempt in soul searching to figure out which way he should go at this particular crossroad. maybe abel is right. maybe he can still start over. maybe he can reach out, grab onto the other man's hand, and allow himself to believe that someone like him is still worthy of salvation.

but something stops him from taking that first step. ]

I heard that, in the beginning, everyone was meant to become part of the Kenoma. That when they made everyone suffer through its influence, some refused to accept it, no matter what happened. You were able to overcome it in the end, but I...

[ what did he do? for all that he struggled with it at the start, didn't he succumb to it at the very end? what kind of person does that make him?

(a monster, no different from the regent.) ]

It's too late for me.

[ he's made his choice. this is the gamble he wants to take, even if he doesn't completely agree with the regent and their methods.

if only abel could have gotten through to him before silco, before amos... then maybe... ]