aionchat | audio / Soviseri 29 / all Kenoma

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audio / Soviseri 29 / all Kenoma

[ Howl's psychic voice is familiar in the way it sounds, but not in the way it feels. There is no mirth, no haughty playfulness, no usual thread of flippancy to his words. He is exhausted, on edge, and anxious, and it leaks into his message. Although "leaks" is not even the right word — he is making no real attempt at hiding his misery right now. ]

Aions have arrived in this world twice so far. The second batch appeared in the Shrines about three months after the first.

Tomorrow... marks another three months.

[ it's much too early to say there is any kind of pattern to it all, but... ]

Those of you whole enough to travel to the Shrines and check for new Aions must do so. We cannot afford to let the Pleroma strengthen their numbers.

[ And for now, he leaves it at that. No indication of what he is planning to do with his weekend, and definitely, conspicuously no mention of the mission failures, the traitors, or the prisoners. ]

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[ Matt nods. He doesn't want to hide his capabilities--or at least, he doesn't want to be alone with them--but he's not sure who he can trust, and less sure who would understand. Like he said, though, if anyone deserves the full truth, it's Howl.

So he takes a sip from his glass, slow and contemplative, and says: ]

I started doing magic when I was 15. I think I've mentioned that before? It all started pretty gradual, guided meditations and visualizing protective barriers of light, and somewhere along the way, I realized I could actually cast spells. So I started doing that basically every spare second I had, and ...

I never read a description that sounded exactly right for this thing, though I guess you could say it's like shared telepathy. I call it opening a channel. What I think it is--what it feels like--is that it lifts the barriers between bodies. So you still feel exactly like yourself, but you feel like someone else too. In an embodied sense, one that carries memories or fantasies or things that relate to what your body's been through ... what it knows.

That's why I tried it on you. [ Matt glances to Howl's face now, cautiously. ] I thought maybe if you felt exactly like someone who wasn't being affected by the Innocence, it'd help shake you out.

[ Resting his knuckles against his jawline, Howl listens, quiet but giving Matt his full attention. What he's describing is no particular field of magic that Howl is familiar with, but within the realm of possibilities for wizards of his homeworld. Given the right resources, it's something Howl could have probably learned how to do himself — before being trapped in this world and losing most of his power as a result, of course. ]

I see. That makes sense. And, by my recollection, your wager paid off. I was thoroughly shaken out.

[ That isn't all to discuss, though. Knowing the question is likely to embarrass Matt, but feeling that it must be asked anyway, he glances down at his drink and adds: ]

So, if I understand correctly... those were your memories and fantasies that I felt?

[ of someone or something hurting Matt. and of Matt embracing Howl. he doesn't know if that first one was a memory or a fantasy, but he knows what the second was. ]

[ Matt's small, hopeful smile dims when Howl moves from the Innocence to some of the other particulars of opening channels. His heart has started to pit-a-pat, as it tends to when one is on the cusp of intimate revelation, but Matt doesn't look too terribly embarrassed. Howl's gentle demeanor and unvarnished curiosity seem to be helping.

That said, Matt takes one more steadying drink before he answers. ]

They were, yeah, [ he admits. ] A bit of both, in this specific case. [ His lips twitch. ] Which, ah--sorry for that. It was an indelicate way of expressing myself. It's just ... so much of how I learned magic in the first place is wrapped up in this bodily, physical stuff, so that's why it comes up like that.

[ Ah. Howl smiles at his drink, and then glances up at Matt without lifting his head, looking at him with pale blue eyes behind the curtain of his bangs. ]

...I must admit, I'm intrigued. About the magic, that is. [ That last part is important, but still said in a joking manner. He's trying to say this as gently as he can — ]

As for your feelings, Matt... I'm flattered. I would not have expected it, but I am not offended, or disgusted, or anything like that.

[ There's more to be discussed that that, but Howl wants to put Matt at ease first. ]

[ Matt's answering laugh is a bit nervy, but relieved nonetheless. He hasn't entertained more than the briefest hope that Howl might be attracted to him in turn, which he's okay with--for many years now, he's placed his focus squarely on the affection he's giving, rather than anything he might receive in turn. But it's kind of Howl to make it clear that he isn't, you know. Disgusted at the thought of Matt being into him. ]

As long as it doesn't make things weird. [ A touch wistful. ] I mean, I like you as a person. That's what matters most to me.

[ He quirks a wry smile. ]

But if you wanna hear about the magic ... I mean, the whole story will necessarily involve some level of TMI. But I'm down to talk about it. Did you have any specific points of intrigue?

[ No, it does not make things weird. Not for Howl at least. He really is flattered — truthfully, he's never had this experience before, of being the object of affection for another man. But it does not sit unwell with him; his reassurance of Matt is uncomplicated.

That offer for information is something Howl's curiosity cannot refuse. Still smiling, he sits back in his seat and crosses his arms. ]

Hmm, well. I saw something else when you touched me... someone who seemed to be hurting you, I want to say, although it wasn't entirely clear to me... Is that part of the story you're referring to?

... Oh.

[ Matt's been mentally marshaling definitions of magic, preparing a spiel about energy and how the thaumaturgical thermodynamics of it all are fundamentally neutral where their sources are concerned. But Howl comes at this question from an angle Matt isn't expecting--though maybe he should have. He nods slowly.

Then he shakes his head. ]

Not exactly. I mean, if you're referring to what I think you are ... [ Matt chooses not to notice that he's just implied that so much violence has happened to him that he can't tell incidents apart. ] That happened to me, and magic was sort of involved, but it wasn't--the main thing is how it made me feel. In my body.

[ He frowns. ]

I saw someone hurting you too, I think.

[ Howl shakes his head. He doesn't want to talk about himself right now, even if he could. Ever since he saw that flash of memory, he's been concerned for Matt and wanted to understand what happened. If they're having an open conversation tonight, then the time to talk about it is now. ]

If it wasn't important... or, significant at least, I wouldn't have picked up on it. It wouldn't have been a memory that transferred to me, as you harnessed your magic — right?

[ If he understands correctly. ]

[ Ugh, right. Howl's like, a legit magic user. He went to school for it and everything. Matt can't help a rueful smile, as if to say "well played." ]

As far as I can tell, yeah, [ he admits. ] And ... it is significant.

[ Matt sucks in a breath. Lets it out. And he takes one more steadying pull from his cocktail glass before trying to answer. ]

When I was 18, I summoned a demon. Or I tried to, at least. In the moment, it didn't seem like anything had happened, so I assumed the ritual had failed. But that night, the demon appeared to me in a dream.

It basically told me I'd been stupid and arrogant trying to summon it, which [ a humorless twitch of his lips, ] fair. And it touched my face.

[ Matt turns his head to give Howl a better look at the scar on his left cheek. It's very thin, and very faint, but it can be made out easily enough in good light. It arcs along Matt's cheekbone, a fossil record of a caress. ]

The scar's never gone away.

Hm.

[ Howl hums a low note of acceptance as he takes it all in. He has no reason to doubt what Matt is saying; the story fits with what he saw and felt back in Venera. What's more remarkable is how... familiar it is. How much more they have in common than Howl ever suspected. ]

Why did you want to summon a demon?

[ The question is inquisitive and not accusatory in tone. Where some might judge another for doing something so reckless and widely discouraged, Howl does not... for reasons he cannot entirely explain to Matt. On the other hand, maybe he already knows. Howl doesn't fully remember what he went through back when the Innocence had a hold of him, or what Matt might have seen while trying to save him. ]

[ The answer to "what does Matt know" may come through in his rueful smile. He can't say how accurate the visions in Venera were--memory is such a malleable thing, especially when you're young--but he's confident at least that Howl knows why somebody might want to talk to a demon. ]

Honestly ... mostly to see if I could. [ Matt heaves a sheepish sigh. ] I think I've mentioned I taught myself everything I know, and I'd just ... never met a limit that had stayed a limit, at that point. So I got curious, and I just went for it.

[ Though from what he recalls of Howl's motivations, they seem far more altruistic than his own. Sweet, even. It's rare to have the capacity to care about something you've been taught to see as a monster. ]

I see.

[ Unfortunately, Howl does not pick up on the subtleties behind Matt's smile. The impossibility of telling others about his curse, the unlikelihood of Matt having seen enough of it himself to slot him into one of the exceptions to the provision of silence... it's a mental blockade in many more ways than one.

Instead, Howl can only look down with his own distracted smile. Oh, they have so much in common, it's almost laughable. If only he were capable of saying so out loud. ]

Still... to survive an encounter with a demon with only a single scar, and a literal one at that... if it were me, I'd count it as a blessing. [ Without looking up, he reaches for his drink. ] Unless...?

[ Matt doesn't know what to make of a lack of eye contact--or rather, he knows how to make a large number of things. It could mean disgust at Matt's recklessness. Sadness over what happened with the demon. Guilt for something demon-related in Howl's own past. In fact, that one word, that "unless," grants Matt more certainty than anything that there was such an incident, however many years ago.

It's probably weird to feel guilt over that, or at least, it's most likely unjustified. But Matt can't help feeling like whatever happened to Howl happened because his warning wasn't clear enough. Like, it was a dream, he gets that. It was a shared illusion produced by the Innocent's affliction. But in his heart, it feels like he gave a child-Howl advice about staying away from demons just a few weeks ago.

Gently, as if trying not to rouse a sleeper, Matt echoes back, ] Unless ...?

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if only this thread were taking place a month later

ahehehehe