audio / Soviseri 29 / all Kenoma

[galdorleod]

[ Howl's psychic voice is familiar in the way it sounds, but not in the way it feels. There is no mirth, no haughty playfulness, no usual thread of flippancy to his words. He is exhausted, on edge, and anxious, and it leaks into his message. Although "leaks" is not even the right word — he is making no real attempt at hiding his misery right now. ]

Aions have arrived in this world twice so far. The second batch appeared in the Shrines about three months after the first.

Tomorrow... marks another three months.

[ it's much too early to say there is any kind of pattern to it all, but... ]

Those of you whole enough to travel to the Shrines and check for new Aions must do so. We cannot afford to let the Pleroma strengthen their numbers.

[ And for now, he leaves it at that. No indication of what he is planning to do with his weekend, and definitely, conspicuously no mention of the mission failures, the traitors, or the prisoners. ]

Comments

[lachtara]

Yet you don't.

[ It is the obvious conclusion that could be made from his statements and tone. Not to mention the tangle of thoughts and feelings that don't articulate themselves in words. It reeks of inner conflict. ]

Extinguishing the flame of another - though it may perpetuate our victory - is ...a shame. Feeling thusly about your victory only proves that you are still capable of recognizing it.

[ Not that the little 'flames' in this world are actually alive, but still. A shame. ]

[galdorleod]

Shame...

[ Is it a shame? Should Howl feel ashamed? This world is rotten, but... don't deeds like this mirror that very same rot? Dire circumstances call for dire actions, he has always believed that, but... but there's a level of irony here that isn't lost on him. It's pushing against the iron wall that the Kenoma has erected around his mind and soul.

And that... feels strangely familiar. All of this does, actually. Howl is quiet for a moment. ]

...There was a war going on in my world before it was destroyed. An immensely destructive war, being fought for immensely stupid reasons.

Already practicing magic off the record as I was, so to speak, I ignored the Crown's call for conscripts... I could not answer them anyway, with two of my aliases having received orders to appear for service at the same time... but that does not mean I didn't participate in my own way. I took to the skies and attacked their warships, diverted their bombs, fought with their wizards...

[ Howl doesn't know where he's going with this exactly, but it's all rushing to the forefront of his mind. Had any of that been a shame to him back then? ]

...so many other wizards. Men and women who answered the King's call, who didn't shirk their duties like I had. All of us, transforming our bodies, casting off our humanity in order to kill each other and risking the possibility of not being able to get it back after the killing was done.

[lachtara]

[ He listens to the words quietly. They seem to come from no provocation, and in his experience, those are the moments that are truly spurred by the person's true inner thoughts.

Once the thought seems finished, his tone seems distantly reflective. ]

Cast off your humanity so that you may do what you must; When it is done, wonder if your humanity will return to you, or if you've truly become a beast in its absence.

[ It sounds like a conflict he has heard time and time again. Always caused by some spark of a meaningless war. ]

Is that what you think you've done? Become a beast?

[galdorleod]

...no. Not yet.

[ Although Howl knows that Emet-Selch might not realize how literal Howl's words are here, it's a 'not yet' either way. The feathers on his body that won't go away... they're just feathers, ultimately. He won't even stand out in Achamoth with these slight physical changes. And as worried as he is about his own psyche feeling so off, he can't put his finger on whatever that thing might be. How severe could it be at this point, if he can't even say whether something is truly "wrong" with him?

Something akin to a sigh transfers through their communion. Talking about this has helped him collect his thoughts to some small degree, at least. ]

The woman I killed was a sorceress. A mage not unlike the dozens and dozens of wizards I batted out of the sky in my own world, with no regard for their lives. The war we're fighting here is far more grand and all-encompassing than that war...

If I was willing to kill my own kind to stop the war in my world, I can kill my own kind here.

[ The logic is unassailable. Going over it again does help to put him at ease, but it can't shake the feeling of something being wrong now. Something having changed in him. ]

[lachtara]

Such is the unfortunate necessity of war.

[ My, does he feel tired from the seemingly endless procession of wars he has experienced over the years.

Though for this case, he can't help but feel something is amiss. That Howl is trying to reconcile with... something. Should he be 'honored' that the conversation happens to be with him? ]

Regardless of how the Pleroma tout their virtues, there are those who are not above killing Kenoma in a vainglorious and violent way. We must further our cause but it is equally important that you protect yourself.

[galdorleod]

Yes. Of course. You're right.

[ About protecting himself, yes, but more importantly in Howl's mind, he has to protect the others too. Howl won't let the Pleroma hurt the handful of friends he's managed to make in this world. It's bad enough to have lost Meteion.

He doesn't exactly feel... better, but the conversation has indeed given him some newfound clarity on what he needs to focus on. The swarm of conflict in the background of his mind has quieted. ]

Sorry for talking your ear off. I suppose I've got a lot on my mind after what happened in Godsblood.

[lachtara]

[ Perhaps one day they would understand that he is under no obligation to listen, but does so of his own volition. ]

So it seems. [ There's something like a good-natured shrug in his voice. ] As though I'd have a choice but to listen, knowing you.

[galdorleod]

A great mage could've surely found a way to ignore me if he wanted.

[ thank you, Emet. ]

Contact me if there's anything I can assist with in preparation.