kenoma ➩ may 11th, late afternoon

[galdorleod]

[ The 'voice' that filters into the Kenoma Aions' minds will be instantly recognizable to anyone who has spoken to Howl in the past, but for the new Aions, this presence feels particularly... irreverent. Friendly and airy and carefree, in contrast to to the more callous apathetic mood that generally permeates Achamoth proper. In either case, yes, this is clearly Howl, and for someone who's been missing for a week, he sounds bizarrely normal. ]

Really? A party while I was gone?

Did you botch my invite by accident, or were you just having a laugh at me, ladies?

You've got to let people know about these things ahead of time. If ever you need a hand with all that in the future, come to me, alright?

[ His tone is only vaguely chiding, a sign that he's really not that bothered about missing out, even if he'd have preferred not to. With that out of the way, he switches gears. ]

To our new Aions: greetings! My name is Howl.

Please, forgive my absence at the Kenoma happening last week. Hopefully, it wasn't as miserable and humorless as the last one. Either way, you'll get used to this place, I promise.

If you've any questions that are yet unanswered, you ought to ask them, although I can't guarantee I'm the one to ask. But it's best not to get caught with your pants down, if you'll pardon the crude turn of phrase.

Comments

[galdorleod]

[ The question makes him look away again, exasperated. It can't be that simple. She can't just... want to know the answer to that. Howl doesn't understand why anyone would, much less why Ciel would care.

After a moment of quiet frustration, he meets her gaze again with a subtle defiance on his eyes. Howl reaches out with both hands to grab one of Ciel's wrists and bring her palm flat against his chest. Her fingers overlap with the smooth dome of his Shard beneath his shirt, but that isn't what he's trying to show her. It's the stillness in the center of his chest that he wants her to understand and digest. Maybe she'd already noticed when healing Howl that he lacks a pulse, whether in full health or on the verge of death, but this should confirm it beyond any doubt. There's no rhythm under her fingers at all; the center of his torso is as still as a corpse's. ]

What a pointless question. We're Kenoma, aren't we?

[ Howl gazes at her with empty, blank neutrality. At the same time, the answer — or, really, the distinct lack thereof — is right there for her to grasp for herself. She need only take a logical step or two. In that same moment, a familiar feeling will enter Ciel's mind... distinctly similar to the hopelessness she's felt in the past when speaking to Xishen. ]

[expiera]

[She doesn't know what she was expecting, but it certainly wasn't anything like this, suddenly having her hand firmly clasped with a unyielding and desperate glare look in his eyes. His pull is met with no resistance, she only spares a fleeting glance downward before he successfully situates the flat of her palm against the point he wants to make.

...

Her expression doesn't change. There isn't even a muted hint of surprise. Whether she already knew or not, she is nevertheless someone already irreversibly entangled with the inhuman and supernatural long before she opened her eyes on Horos. Well aware that everyone has their unique set of personal circumstances they may or may not be keen to speak of, she wouldn't have asked anyway, even if she had taken notice. She herself was a freak, after all: what else can something that doesn't die when killed be called, other than 'monster' in every sense of the word?

But it's different, this time. Different, because Howl is explicitly showing and telling her, with his own words and actions. His chest is still, but he is standing in front of her, getting to the heart of the matter.]

It's not pointless. We are Kenoma, but we're still our own person, with our own feelings and memories. Our allegiance doesn't change who we are.

[So. That time was no fluke. He, really...]

It matters. [She reiterates, because it bears repeating. Her hand remains still at his chest, and she looks back up at him with a similar shade of defiance he showed before.] It's not over until it is, so until that time comes, it's not strange or wrong to live for yourself too. We're here now as ourselves, aren't we?

[She understands the sentiment, she does. That hopelessness is familiar, in more ways than one, and it's all the more reason she can't yield, spurred on by her own reasons for carrying on. Can he really leave it at that, insist that all he truly wants is the same sort of void where a pulse should lie...? Howl.]

[galdorleod]

[ Howl lets go of her wrists and takes a step back, revoking the touch of her palm on his chest. The brief empathic wisp ceases in the same instant, like the smoke trail of a blown-out candle dissipating into nothingness.

It was probably stupid to do that just now, but Howl has very few ways to communicate with others about the demonic curse chained to his missing heart. It carries a quintessential provision: that he cannot talk about the contract with anyone who doesn't already know about it. There is some wiggle room, of course; Emet-Selch had deduced a few key facts the first time they met, and from thereon, it was noticeably easier to use euphemistic words to tell him more about it. But Ciel doesn't know anything, and this conversation is dipping into topics that Howl simply cannot speak on, even if he was eager to.

It's frustrating. Isolating. He doesn't know what to say to her or how to say it. How meaningless life was already beginning to feel before Horos, and how meaningless it still is with his loved ones gone. The source of the overwhelming hopelessness that has kept him grounded in the Kenoma, despite his doubts about the Regent and his fellow Aions.

Howl's expression softens and he sighs. ]

You're right. [ glance away. ] We're here for ourselves. Nothing else.

[ Howl goes quiet after that, looking away. He knows he still hasn't exactly answered Ciel's question. But there really is no answer. He didn't want to go after Estinien by himself — "want" is not the right word for it. It was the means to a self-destructive end. And, by pinning him like this, her point has been made. ]

...What about you? [ His eyes are still averted. ] What is it you're hoping to gain from... all of this?

[expiera]

[Mm. There's no way for her to know for certain, but with the clues he's left, she can more than string one and one together. He didn't smell entirely human to her from the very beginning, but judging by the heavy airs of a pompous magus he consistently put out previously, something that IS intrinsically familiar to her knowing how magi are back in her own world, she didn't think much of it. With how self-absorbed their lot are infamous for and how they tend to be willing to do virtually anything for more power, it was both plausible and none of her business that he may have undergone some ritual or contract before in order to grow his own abilities. Just an average Tuesday for any Lord of the Clock Tower, they who willingly discard their humanity for the sake of pursuing the mystics.

It took finding him at death's door to show her how wrong she's been. The Clock Tower mages may react dramatically to defeat in accordance to the depths of their selfishness ambitions, but none of those would entail death's idealization. His very existence is in jeopardy back in his world... And he does mind, in a distinctively, soul-crushingly, human way. She knows for certain, now.

The irony is too much. It'd almost be funny, if it wasn't so heartbreaking.

He agrees, he says, but she understands instinctively, immediately, that it's pure lip service. He hasn't done anything for himself. Does he even know how--or what he really wants? He's only been coasting off the motions of what he's used to to get by, nothing more and nothing less. It wouldn't get either of them anywhere to keep pushing, not with him as he is now. So instead...

(This question...)]

As I am here now, I must do what I can.

[What's asked of her. What's expected of her. What she can help with. Anything in her power. And because she's starkly aware that it's a non-answer without context, plus he did share with her something personal as is:]

If I don't, there's no meaning to this, either.

[Looking back at him straight in the eye, expression clear and firm despite the softness in her voice, she raises her own hand to rest at her sternum: where her own Shard is hidden beneath the robes, a jewel of muted dark blue that she always keep concealed. Something that should not be, yet is.

She doesn't elaborate. There is no need. Does he understand, now? All the more reason for her to get on his case too, for better or worse.]

[galdorleod]

[ Quiet and contemplative, Howl keeps his eyes trained on an imaginary point farther down the hall. He's trying not to betray any involuntary thoughts or feelings evoked by her answer, wanting and needing time to process it before speaking. It's the practice of a young man who has taught himself how to manage, at least some of the time, his own flighty sensitivity, but there are small signs of how active his inner world really is right now. The slight curling of his fingers at his sides, the way he holds his breath without realizing it. ]

What a load of bollocks.

[ When Howl finally looks back to Ciel, he offers a calm smile. His tone isn't patronizing or argumentative, but rather, gently skeptical and subtly understanding at the same time. For someone so insistent on getting an answer out of Howl, she's quite unwilling to give a straightforward answer to her question herself...! —And, rather than judge her for it, Howl finds himself endeared. Miss calm and calculated, both invested and emotionally distant at the same time — apparently, she has her own vulnerabilities, just like Howl and all the rest of them probably, and to get a glimpse of that fact... well, it's kinda nice.

Howl shrugs his shoulders lightly and shakes his head. ]

Doing what we can to find meaning, and understanding that meaning in terms of doing what we can. The Regent couldn't ask for a better group of people to lay down their lives for them, could they?

[ The bitter words are undermined by Howl's casual, almost joking tone. If he hadn't just emerged from brainwashing, he'd find the entire thing absurd, and one more reason to feel alienated by the Kenoma. But on this day, the whole thing just seems kind of distantly, cynically funny. Ciel is right, just as Dionys was right. They're ultimately here for themselves, acting in their own self-interest, and the Regent's promise of a life of luxury and splendor in exchange for being 'on call' is worth it, all things considered. it's silly to pretend otherwise.

Nevertheless, he regards Ciel now without any of the defiance he put on a minute earlier. She doesn't have to tell him anything about herself if she doesn't want to; Howl will feel less pressured to share uncomfortable things about himself, and less guilty when refusing, if she's just as tight-lipped. But this odd exchange has planted a seed of curiosity in his head. What's the deal with this nosey woman...? Who so earnestly wants him to find meaning in all this, for no apparent reason at all? ]

[expiera]

[Everything about Horos had been absurd since their "awakening", that's objective fact no matter how any of them are adapting individually. As someone who's already had her entire world upended and replaced more than once, it's merely experience Ciel never asked for, in how to accept completely unreasonable and ridiculous situations fostered upon them by factors completely out of their control. This is just... all she can do, in line of what's asked of them. Howl is right either way, whether or not he's in full control of his thoughts.

...]

That goes for every Aion on Horos, it's not just a Kenoma or Pleroma thing. The latter have also been plucked away from their home worlds, and there's no telling if they can recover what they've left behind no matter what they do.

[They're all fighting for a chance of something, there's no guarantee offered to any of them. She could have picked something else to say too, but given the clash between his words and demeanor, perhaps he could forgive her for answering similarly.

She's lowering her arms to her side regardless, done making her point that is no less ambiguous than everything else they've exchanged between them so far. They're both just Like That, hm? Ah, well. She's certainly in no hurry to divulge her own circumstances, that fact remains true even if their motivations for doing so may be different. But since they're already "here"...]

There's too much we don't know, we're told a lot of things we have no way of proving for ourselves. That we can continue to live on as Aions here as long as the container to our soul remain intact is probably true, there's no point for them to lie to us about something like that. ["It doesn't matter if we were dead, alive, or close to dying. Here, we live."] We're also separated from what we were bound to before, the good and bad things alike. [Loved ones, cherished things, but also burdensome and unpleasant things, especially the sort imposed by someone else.] Furthermore, we're told our abilities are supposedly influenced by the concept of self-actualization, so who knows, maybe changing your mindset could change other things about you that shouldn't have been possible before. It's something within our ability to test, so maybe you can think about that the next time you find your mind wandering? ["Instead of brooding over what you've lost, think about the things you could change about yourself, now that you're in a new world not beholden to the same laws and limitations as the one you're from before?"

It's not that she can't be straightforward. Things are just... Complicated. He sorta gets it, right? It's sensible advice and a very convoluted way to further the topic in any case, it doesn't matter how hypocritical she's being with what comes out of her mouth. Easier said than done for all of that, mmhm...]

[galdorleod]

[ The wizard frowns as he realizes Ciel is only going to dig her heels in deeper. Yes, the Pleroma's actions are just as devoid of meaning as theirs. But, they undoubtedly, undeniably do not see it that way at all, as enamored with hope as they are — which, on a personal level, is what makes all the difference to Howl. And it's worth noting that Howl does not consider what's been promised to them as lacking a guarantee, freshly out of brainwashing as he is now. He doesn't doubt that they will help craft the new world to come, he just... isn't particularly excited for or motivated by something so abstract. This, on its own, leaves him feeling distinctly purposeless.

He sighs and props a hand on his hip, signaling a hint of growing boredom. He gets it already, her point as been made. Really, his bigger takeaway from this conversation is that odd new curiosity towards her, but it's not like he's going to acknowledge it aloud. ]

For a Kenoma, you're so full of hope. It's almost inspiring. [ Howl huffs a laugh. ] Alright, then... you win.

[ His smile he gives her now is impenetrable. There's some calm amusement there, but it's deeper than that. The curiosity he feels towards her now is grounded in none other than the distinct suspicion that they have more in common than they realize. And this possibility comes with a hint of both disbelief and sorrow. He wouldn't wish his demons (figurative and literal) on anyone. But isn't it pointless to speculate on, anyway? It's not like he can explain the full story to her — the reason he is so sure that he cannot change in a way that matters. Not with his world gone. (His heart gone.) ]

I'll think about it. There's no harm in that, right?

[ Other than making him miserable, but he's already so miserable. Who's counting. ]

[expiera]

Oh? Is that so? [And just as quickly as she's been stern and unrelenting on his case, she seamlessly shifts to a pleasant and friendly smile.] I'll take it as a compliment, thank you.

[Looking probably a touch too pleased than she has any reason to be, she resumes their stroll down the hallway without missing a beat to her step. Fake it till you make it, as it goes.]

It's fine to take things at your pace, yes. Something as nebulous and intangible as purpose is naturally hard to define, people could spend their entire lives looking for it. There's no telling when something may catch your attention though, just please go at it less recklessly than before, okay? ["Less recklessly", she says, quite the understatement considering what he had been through.] Whether we like it or not, coming here did make us meet new people and offered us opportunities that would have been impossible back in our own. It wouldn't do to give up before you even start.

[They do say misery loves company, and here they are, all Kenoma. Checks out? ...In any case, if there's any particular focus in the way he looks back at her, she shows no signs of catching on. Being invested in their peers had been her own means of moving forward, for one. Getting attached is probably inevitable too, that's simply in their nature as humans are social creatures. So even if it's just this, wondering what her deal may be, it's something he can only accomplish if he keeps going on Horos. So little by little, perhaps he could find other reasons (to live) to add atop this one? Until one day...

...]

[galdorleod]

[ Sooner or later, something will grab Howl's attention as she said, but the wizard already knows that he won't be doing anything like he did before as reckless as he did before. Something new, just as reckless? Maybe. But not the same thing again. He's done putting himself in harm's way unnecessarily, mostly because the brainwashing has instilled some degree of self preservation into him (can't witness the triumph of the Kenoma if you're dead), but because he's learned that there's no need for him to rush out in the name of protecting others when nobody has asked him to. His fellow Aions have turned out much more capable than he initially assumed, although he should have known better after his bout with Ciel.

That bout. The reason she approached him back then was not so unrelated to what they're talking about now. This really is all coming from her heart, isn't it? Genuinely. It's hard to believe, but Howl might actually be starting to believe it, which only makes Ciel that much more incomprehensible. ]

I won't give up, then. I'll try.

[ Howl's voice comes from behind her, not moving from the spot he was standing even though Ciel turned to continue in the direction of the Aions' chambers. Then, suddenly, there is a rush of wind, blowing from behind Ciel and accompanied by the sound of feathers rustling and trembling. When she looks back to wherever it came from, she'll find the hallway completely empty. ]