aionchat | KENOMA

[There's something different tonight in Paul's baseline, something strange and energized in a way that he usually is not; perhaps it's evident, in the way his emotions are coming across, that it isn't necessarily a good sort of energized - they're strange and scattershot, almost crackling with a sort of manic feel behind them, though his words are steady enough as he goes.]

As I've made known to several of you, I've never been a combatant; I don't fight, and I've never had reason to become proficient with a weapon. And yet I don't disagree with those of you that have made it clear that we need to play to our strengths, if this is going to be a war we're going to win.

My own strengths have always lay with people - providing guidance, providing leadership. Knowing what they need to hear in order to press on, and knowing what they need to see to carry through whatever needs to be carried through. Finding those willing to serve, and willing to spare nothing in their service.

I've found that there are those here that are more than willing to accept my guidance - in the service of the Regent, and the service of the Kenoma. After all, who better than an Aion to give them what they're after? Those I refer to are more than willing to give up their lives in the interest of that service; it's just a matter of directing them to use that willingness in a more productive way.

I've taken up a position in the sect of Our Dark Regent's Church of the Precious Blood. Decently respected in Achamoth, despite their harsher proclivities. They seem a prudent investment to make - if we're to be at war, we'll need resources of one sort or another, and people are an acceptable resource to have.

After all, that's how the gospel spreads.

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I don't really know how I'd feel about it, either. I just think it's not really my place to pass judgement on them for trying to become closer to what they consider divine, however they choose to do that.

[It's sort of the mental equivalent of a shrug.]

It gives their lives meaning; it gives pretty much everything they do meaning. I'm not going to try to discourage that or take that away from them, however I personally feel about it.

[ Matt's thoughtful, approving hum doesn't entirely come through the mind-link. But something of the sentiment does: resonant buzz and rosy light, a brief, warm wave sliding up the shore. ]

That's a good point.

I guess I just wish I could understand it better. Feel what they feel, maybe.

[ Technically, he could. But while he's grateful (and mortified) that that particular ability seemed to have a salutary effect on Howl, he's not itching to try it on random citizens. ]

The way I understand it isn't the way they understand it, most likely. I'd be more surprised if it was, honestly... I'm sure our stance as Aions affects our ability to understand them fully as well - we're treated far differently than they are by pretty much every aspect of the culture and all.

[He's quiet for a moment, though.]

I think my feelings toward them are more... [...] Do you remember that discussion we had, about loving people so much you're willing to hurt them? It's similar to that.

I remember something along those lines.

[ Matt's recollection of the topic centers more around the question "does love have to feel good"? The Kenoma conception of love, as he noted back then, sounds to him like the idea of attachment: a desire wrapped up in the shortsighted self, that focuses on narrow outcome. No wonder they think it's overrated. But when it comes to the alternative ... can love hurt? Can you love someone and act against what they perceive their interests to be? ]

I don't know if I would've really grokked it before everything that happened in Venera. I mean, intellectually, sure, but just in terms of--

[ Matt pauses. ]

Being cruel got people out of it. Or at least, making them sufficiently uncomfortable made it so they couldn't stay in the ... Innocence state, whatever you want to call it. The delusion.

I don't think it's something that you can fully understand on just an intellectual level. It's something you have to experience for yourself; you have to feel it, you have to let it resonate.

[It isn't the first time he's loved people like that. Some small, dark part of him wonders whether that's the only way he knows how to love people.]

I can see where it's a hard thing to really accept, though.

What does it feel like?

To you, I mean.

[ Paul juuuuust said you had to feel it for yourself, but maybe he'll allow Matt a teeny bit of cheating.

Not that Matt's sure this is the right question--how it feels. How any action feels. But the inside of his own brain is mostly numb on the subject, so any potential leads are welcome. ]

I won't try to say it's easy or anything, because I try not to lie to you. There's always some sort of difficulty in it. It'd be more concerning if there wasn't, you know?

But it doesn't feel wrong, either. As hard though it is, you can still feel something guiding you toward it. It's just a matter of knowing how much to listen to it.

[It's not something that he'd ever really thought he'd have to explain to anyone, but just the same, that doesn't mean he's not going to attempt, even if it's a kind of bad try.]

You need to know that what you're about to do is worth the result. That you won't harm them any more than the current situation is going to harm them, because the pain isn't the point. If the pain has become the point then something is...off.

[ Despite the subject matter, Matt can't help a little huff of amusement. It comes through in communion as a brief brightening, a quick-blooming, quick-fading light. ]

I appreciate that you try not to lie to me, [ he says, sincerely but with a hint of teasing. He sobers up quickly as he contemplates the rest of what Paul's said, however. Maybe it's just the way Paul has of phrasing things, but this is the first time Matt's wondered if maybe he's been making the pain the point, in reverse. It could be a good thing--or at least what someone rationally wants for themselves--to ease into oblivion by degrees. If Matt believes in the right to euthanasia, which he does, he doesn't really have grounds to oppose any masochistic religious practice. So maybe his misgivings are just his association with pain or injury as "bad," the association he's trying to unlearn. ]

I think I understand what you're saying, [ he murmurs after a moment. ] The pain isn't the point. Just rebirth.

But birth is, you know ... famously painful.

And yet it's still something that people willingly go through, because the result is worth the pain.

[Sometimes things are like that. Sometimes you go through hideous things and it's senseless and painful and brings nothing but suffering; sometimes you go through hideous things because that's what love looks like. The reasons have a lot to do with it, as does the result.]

Right, [ Matt agrees. ] The result is worth the pain.

Or so I hear.

[ It's a leap of faith, for sure. One the bottom to keeps getting deeper. But when Matt talks to Paul, the leap doesn't seem so impossible. It even feels right. ]

KENOMA | VOICE

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