aionchat | kenoma ➩ may 11th, late afternoon

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kenoma ➩ may 11th, late afternoon

[ The 'voice' that filters into the Kenoma Aions' minds will be instantly recognizable to anyone who has spoken to Howl in the past, but for the new Aions, this presence feels particularly... irreverent. Friendly and airy and carefree, in contrast to to the more callous apathetic mood that generally permeates Achamoth proper. In either case, yes, this is clearly Howl, and for someone who's been missing for a week, he sounds bizarrely normal. ]

Really? A party while I was gone?

Did you botch my invite by accident, or were you just having a laugh at me, ladies?

You've got to let people know about these things ahead of time. If ever you need a hand with all that in the future, come to me, alright?

[ His tone is only vaguely chiding, a sign that he's really not that bothered about missing out, even if he'd have preferred not to. With that out of the way, he switches gears. ]

To our new Aions: greetings! My name is Howl.

Please, forgive my absence at the Kenoma happening last week. Hopefully, it wasn't as miserable and humorless as the last one. Either way, you'll get used to this place, I promise.

If you've any questions that are yet unanswered, you ought to ask them, although I can't guarantee I'm the one to ask. But it's best not to get caught with your pants down, if you'll pardon the crude turn of phrase.

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[...Where to begin.

A deep breath is a good place, yes, time and space to gather her bearings before she dislodges her shard and answers Howl properly. The palpitation is undeniably there the moment it becomes clear the transmission is from him, and the nature of communion means that she must be extra guarded with her emotions. She's no stranger to playing stoic, but... It still takes some preparation.

Thus her reply is not immediate, which he probably wouldn't mind; with how his message ended up playing out (too cheerful and easygoing. "It'll be in his best interest if it works. If it doesn't need to happen again."), he's probably not eager to hear from her anyway.]

It was not intentional, you were sorely missed. [She's not kidding, even if the sentiment may feel ever-so-slightly reproachful.] More importantly, have you really recovered well enough, Howl?

[There's something else that's just as important, but one step at a time. Besides, the nagging is arguably a great cover, to hide the real reason why he needs to be checked upon ASAP.]

[ Howl's attention turns to the foreign anxiety that seeps into his head. He recognizes it as belonging to a certain someone, who fretted over him so sincerely when he returned to the Lodestone on the verge of death, and is undoubtedly responsible for saving him from dissipating that day. He still hasn't had an opportunity to thank her, but considering how awkward that conversation would be, he isn't in a hurry.

When she finally speaks, something like a resigned sigh transfers from Howl's mind. Howl won't ignore her, he owes her that much. ]

Yes, I have. I feel better than ever, actually.

[ He just knows she wants to know where he was, but he'll wait for her to ask. ]

[It certainly doesn't FEEL like he's lying... He's not really the type anyway, she's interacted with Howl enough to know that if he was feeling the slightly bit off, he'd probably not hesitate in complaining to let the world know about his misery.

It's troubling that Ciel can't tell, whether the fact is relieving or concerning.

...

He may feel a twinge of reluctance, the time it takes for her to swallow the compulsion to ask him for further proof of his well-being.]

...Fine. With you announcing your return like that, surely it's only a matter of time before people start seeing you out and about in person anyway.

[Then they can confirm, and she wouldn't have to rain on his return parade by immediately (and literally) getting in his face. Being considerate isn't hard, yeah...!]

Then, where have you been? Misa and Lottie sent several Kenoma-wide communion broadcasts to inform everyone. It's a little difficult to believe you missed all of them without a very compelling reason, Howl.

[He sure called it... Now what?]

You can see me out and about right now, if you're really that worried. [ Howl shrugs to himself in the flesh, and the accompanying feeling transfers over from his mind.

His reaction to her question is similar. Howl does not consider what happened to him to be negative. The emotions that propelled him into violating the Regent's trust feel so far away that they're on the verge of being forgotten entirely. Far more overpowering now are the subconscious sentiments that made him so vulnerable to the Kenoma to begin with — to the degree that his conscious allegiance to it, and the Regent, is far more concrete and established. For those who had a chance to glimpse the real Howl — mostly Pleroma — there will be something about his mind that feels distinctly wrong. To everyone else, he's barely changed. ]

Like I've mentioned to others already, I was in the Entertainment District. Enjoying myself. Dionys sought me out and brought her back to her quarters. She is the only other Celebrant we know of, we've become quite close by now, you know. [ As "close" as someone can realistically get to Dionys, possibly. And yes, he does intend that particular implication by the word "close." ]

Edited 2022-05-13 17:04 (UTC)

[So... Dionys. Ciel's never met the other Aion in person before (and she's starting to get the impression that it's for the best), but it was difficult to not catch word of her from simply talking to the Achamites around the city. Xishen's word still echoes at the back of her mind, and the unabating concern she can't wholly shake is the chief factor in muting over what may otherwise be a flagrant sense of exasperation.

May or may not be rubbing her temple...]

...I see.

[The flattest I see Howl had ever heard on Horos, maybe.

There's no sense digging, is there. Things may be better off this way, Xishen had said as much herself.]

You sound to be in such high spirits. [A glaring contrast to the miserable mass of wizard man~~child~~ she can still see far too clearly, in her mind's eye.] Are you sure running into me now wouldn't spoil that?

[Ciel has THIS much self-awareness, at least...]

[ Howl snorts a laugh. To Ciel's credit, that was a pretty good one. The kind of joke Howl himself would have made. ]

...maybe. But, maybe not. You shouldn't put yourself down like that, madam.

[ They might not be the best of friends, but if Howl we're forced to spit out the truth, he'd have to admit that he trusts Ciel by now — and he does owe her for saving his life. ]

Well? If you want to see me, I'm in the kitchens at the moment.

['Madam'. If the raising of one's eyebrow is something that could be conveyed through communion, he'll be feeling just that from the other end of the feed.

...

Geez. Well, no sense looking at a gift horse in the mouth, as the saying goes.]

I would like to, yes. In that case, please excuse me.

[A bit curt, perhaps, but polite nonetheless. She'll wait for a few beats too in case he ~~insists on getting the last word~~ has anything else to add? Otherwise, the line will end and he'll have company in the kitchens very shortly.]

Edited (wrong tag to slap a subject on...) 2022-05-16 07:38 (UTC)

[ Howl says nothing more, content to either leave it at that or continue when she arrives in person. When Ciel enters the kitchens, he'll spot a black-headed wizard lingering along the row of wood-burning stoves that sit along the far wall. A young blonde servant stirs a large soup pot with a ladle, giggling at something Howl has just said to her in a low voice.

But the presence of the other Aion makes Howl look away and raise a hand to Ciel in greeting. He steps away from the pretty servant to meet her near the double-doors. ]

Good afternoon, my most particular compeer. [ He raises his palms upwards, showing himself off. ] Well? I am hale and whole, am I not?

[In which case, the line will cut, and it'll take a few short minutes before a head of ultramarine blue crosses onto kitchen floor. --Ah, of course he's keeping a female servant entertained. That's only a footnote next to what's truly important, however: that he is indeed hale and whole, and not just in body too. Seeing that he's back to his usual antics with the citadel('s female) staff, it would indeed seem that he's mentally "recovered" too, a far cry from the death wishes he carelessly brought up through communion back when he was too injured to even speak.

She can't find it in herself to share his good mood, however, and for once, it's got nothing to do with whether or not she's a killjoy. Whatever he went through does indeed seem to have worked, and it's for the 'better', according to Xishen.

...

She offers a bow in greeting, and keeps her serious gaze trailed entirely on him.]

Good afternoon to you too, Howl. You do look much better than before. ["Before"; he was barely pulled back from the brink, when she saw him last.] You've cheered up quite a bit, too.

[She stops there for now, still scrutinizing him with a bit too much intensity, probably. Is this all because of the time he's spent with Dionys, too...?]

I'd hope I would look better than I did then.

[ That goes without saying, and to such a degree that he wonders if Ciel is trying to say something. The way she regards him seems somehow more guarded and serious than usual. As if she doesn't believe him or trust him.

Howl's pure smile leaves his eyes as he watches Ciel scrutinize him like he's old bread. She might notice that there's something different about his eyes now. They were already glassy and marble-like before, but it was subtle; now, the color of his eyes is noticeably dimmer and the light does not shine off his corneas like it used to, giving him a slightly lifeless gaze. ]

So. What was the party like? [ If she's going to stand there eyeballing him, she might as well tell him more about what he missed. ]

[...

Finally looking away, she gives a hefty sigh as she crosses her arms over her chest. One thing at a time.]

I thought everything went well. Misa and Lottie did put quite a lot of effort into it, they set up party games to encourage everyone to get to know each other better. Emet-Selch, M, and myself also gave an overview of our situation to the new Aions. After the party concluded, Amos and Silco led an Achamoth-wide tour to show the newcomers around the city.

[She may as well be giving a report, despite describing a party...]

Were you hoping to hear about something or someone in particular, Howl?

[ From how she describes it, it sounds boring. Especially in comparison to getting pleasure-tortured by a poisonous demon woman. But, well, it does sound like a better to this place than the Regent's dinner was, and that ought to count for something.

Howl studies her for another moment before letting out a quiet sigh and casually looking away, out into the mostly empty space of the kitchen again. The cute servant has left, but her soup pot is still on the stove, steam escaping from under its lid. ]

A few people have mentioned to me that Xishen was there. Was she looking for me?

[There were a lot of other hijinks she skimmed right over, admittedly, but again, while Ciel is suitable to ask for a battle report, she's probably not the best to ask for a party report. Maybe try asking Misa, next time!

At his sigh and question, her eyes fall back on him, this time with an inquisitive glint. So he knows... Does she try hiding or deflecting?

It takes a split moment to come to a conclusion. No, there's no need; besides, how he reacts may be telling.]

Yes, she was. [Not just there, but looking for him.] I confirmed with her myself. What do you make of it?

[ Internally, a battle of morals and memories is fought within a split second. The brainwashing wins out. Originally, Howl would have felt touched, and even a little surprised, by Xishen caring enough about him to look worried — in much the same way he quietly did when Ciel did the same. But Dionys' dismissive attitude towards Xishen and her softer, more vulnerable qualities has been imparted into Howl through not just brainwashing, but the unique Celebrant connection that he shared with Dionys during the brainwashing. And on top of that, he does not remember much of the torture he was subjected to; what he does remember, he looks back on as a rewarding experience.

As a result, he does not display any appreciation for Xishen's concern, not even secretly. He huffs upon hearing the news and tips his head to the side coyly. ]

She's a worry wart, just like you. But at least you've got some sense. When you worry, there's at least a plausible justification for it.

[It is, however, also no secret among them that Xishen isn't exactly a popular figure. Some of them didn't take well to the initial 'test' she and the Regent imposed on them, others found her creepy, etc... The reason varies, but the fact remains that Howl not being impressed with Xishen's concern doesn't come across as particularly shocking or out of character. If anything, it further underlines how dismissive he is of what's happened to him--or rather, has been fully made to believe that whatever disciplinary actions he experienced, it was something positive and enjoyable.

But then again, how can she even begin to try uncovering what he's lost, when she never really came to know him in the first place? Besides, wouldn't working towards undoing whatever that's happened to him go against the Regent's will? Even Xishen said this was for the best, so should she really try to interfere, knowing all that?

...]

I do owe you an apology, yes, now that I've taken some time to think things through. Not for worrying, but for how poorly I expressed it. It wasn't my intention to order you around or belittle your abilities. Our situation is understandably conflicting, but we're not in this alone, and what we have to do doesn't change who we are.

[Regardless of what went down, all this undeniably started with Howl deciding to charge into battle against Estinien alone. If he could have been convinced to partner with someone else, if whatever reason that drove him to believe it was something he had to face by himself could have been overturned...

...No. There's no point entertaining 'what ifs'. What's done is done.]

I apologize for my lack of consideration, Howl, towards your feelings and your motivation.

[It's accompanied by a low and modest bow. As much as it would be nice for this to be as truly sincere as it looks, Ciel cannot refute the ulterior motive she's already reasoned out. Appealing to his individuality would be a natural lead-in to talk about his personal wishes and wants, and exploring that in conjunction with what's driven his past decision could chart a course in uncovering clues of what really happened, what's been taken from him in consequence.

As she was saying: "what we have to do doesn't change who we are." She knows better, but she still can't help herself. Meddlers are just like that, hm?]

[ And to the credit of Ciel's insight and careful maneuvering: this gesture actually works. Howl blinks in the wake of her apology, never expecting her to do such a thing. It's just so rare for anyone to ever apologize to him — yes, mostly because the situation is usually one in which Howl should be apologizing, but also because the people who have wronged him in the past, as both an adult and a child, were not sorry about it. He's used to being treated in exactly the way Ciel is claiming to have treated him, to have his feelings and abilities ignored, to be ordered around and belittled; it's this treatment that has taught him to unashamedly walk away when he begins to sense the same treatment happening again. Real or imagined.

And yet, he had never really felt that Ciel was treating him poorly. When he looks back with a cool head, even after his reeducation, most of her words and actions have been quite reasonable. Annoying, but reasonable. Howl has enough insight into his own idiosyncrasies to know he's a difficult and unreliable person, who can't handle the expectations hefted onto him so often. To be receiving an apology in such a mild situation as this... it's surprising, to say the least.

He frowns and stares at her bowed posture. While he doesn't entirely appreciate the significance of the gesture, he gets the idea, and it immediately makes him feel guilty. ]

...You did nothing wrong. Come now, stop that, before a servant sees you.

[This is admittedly not only brought up by Xishen's revelation that something had happened to Howl, but also from Emet-Selch's word of advice that had moved her perspective, however slight. "It can be easy for those who have not seen sweeping success to become unmotivated or second-guess their objectives. Their contributions are (...) appreciated. Make sure that they do not forget that." Or as she understood it, their allies should feel valued and appreciated for what they do, regardless of their doubtlessly varied motivations that may not necessarily align fully with the Regent's will for destruction and rebirth. Thus Howl's efforts in engaging Estinien should be recognized as much, but as for what led to it and what happened after...

She does stand back up straight at his beckoning, not intending to make a spectacle out of it. It's enough that she properly conveys her intention, though she maintains her serious demeanor in face of his frown. There isn't anything dramatic or exaggerated in it... Hm.]

Intent and execution are two different matters. I challenged you out of concern, but had I expressed myself differently, maybe you would have reacted differently, too.

[And if he chose differently, he may not have had to return with such grievous injuries too. Then...

--No, she can't trap herself in circular thoughts.]

May I try again, if that's okay with you? Ask you about Estinien, and why you wanted to face him alone.

[ Howl looks relieved when she rights her posture again, but it's short-lived. The topic of Estinien and his defeat to the dragoon is an overwrought topic of conversation to Howl at this point. He's been asked so many times to explain himself, and each instance is unpleasant; most recently, this very same conversation lead him to being imprisoned and tortured for a week. Although Howl no longer recalls the worst of that torture and passes off the unpleasant moments that he does remember as necessary and enjoyable in its own unique way, he's eager to put the incident behind him.

So he sighs. Turns away from her to look wistfully at the pot of stew bubbling on the oven across the kitchen. Oh, how he'd prefer to be flirting with servants right now. ]

If we have this conversation, will you consider my debt to you repaid?

Yes, in full.

[There was never any debt that needed repaying in the first place, but after a quick moment of deliberation, she reaches the conclusion that she may as well run with it: for his peace of mind, and her need for information. It's clear from watching the subtle and glaring changes in Howl's demeanor at the topic that regardless of what had been done to him under the Regent's orders, he still holds no fondness over the ordeal. She remembers well how defeated and suicidal he sounded, and that may only be the tip of the iceberg of what he's suffered.

~~(...Sorry.)~~

A subtle softening of her expression is all she can show, though she does look back at him with quiet and attentive eyes free of judgment or accusation. She doesn't say more after that, waiting to see if he'll try explaining himself without prompting first. Or will she have to lead the questions, starting with repeating why he chose to go after Estinien by himself?]

[ Ciel won't need to repeat herself. Howl feels the question still being pointed at him, as strongly as he feels her eyes on him, gentle as her gaze might be. His gaze remains on the bubbling pot for one more moment, before he turns and starts to head out of the kitchen, gesturing for her to follow. ]

I pursued Estinien because I knew — know I can beat him. [ when they get to the door, he holds it open for her to leave first. ] But I knew that, nevertheless, he is a dangerous man who poses a serious threat to most of the rest of us. Possibly, to his own allies too.

[ You can't rip another person's throat out with your bare teeth and not expect others to question your sanity, or their own safety around you. ]

So, isn't it obvious? There was no need to put anyone else in danger if I could take care of him myself.

[She won't be obstinate over the details, following him out of the kitchen and offering a silent nod of acknowledgement and thanks for his chivalric gesture. She may be wordy and nosy, but she can be patient and stay quiet until he finishes.

...Hm. So he's sticking to what he more or less already insisted upon, before he headed out back then.]

You risked yourself to protect us?

[It must be all the more ironic coming from her, the one who actually got her throat torn out yet acts as if nothing's happened. There's no suspicion or disbelief either, she's asking plainly because that seems to be what his explanation is amounting to.

(And his legacy, 'Celebrant' just like Dionys...)

She keeps her eyes on him as they walk, but does go out of her way to ensure that she's matching his pace and looking at him in the face while waiting for him to answer. Is that really what it was, Howl?]

[ No, that isn't entirely what it was. Ciel's instincts are sharp. But at the same time... Howl is not lying either. Contrary to what she might expect, the desire to protect others was a significant part of why Howl tried to take care of Estinien on his own. If he has the power to do so, why wouldn't he? How couldn't he? He has no respect for those who would choose to put others in danger if they were in the same position as him. For as flippant and impulsive and cowardly as Howl can be, when it comes down to the wire, and people are in dire need of help, he can't bear to put his own desire for comfort over their urgent needs. Even if, sometimes, he might tell himself that he wishes he could.

He raises his eyebrow at Ciel as she stares at him. It seems clear to him that she doesn't believe him. He looks away and sighs. ]

Is that so hard to believe?

[ Yes, he thinks to himself, it is and you know it. But he still feels a bit hurt at the thought anyway. What kind of person wouldn't use their power to protect others? He isn't that despicable. ]

[And yet, it's in moments like these that make his sincerity shine through. Devoid of bragging and posturing, his turning away and the droop of his shoulders speak far more loudly than his words did.

She shakes her head.

(Sorry.)]

I asked why you wanted to face him alone. Your answer just now had many instances of "I know" and "I could", but not once have you said "I want". There is still distinction between duty and desire, even if the difference may not be significant. ...I apologize for phrasing things like this, but I do think your evasive wording proves that there are more nuances to your decision than what you would have us infer.

[Drawing a small breath, it's her turn to look away.]

There were the things you were saying too, after you came back.

[She doesn't elaborate, it's not her intention to be hard on him. It's brought up to support her argument, that's all. Whether he was too weak or delirious, what little he got through communion and his attitude at the time were not of someone who was merely dismayed at failing their duty of "protecting others". So...]

[ His footsteps continue uninterrupted, but his eyes remain focused on the uninteresting hallway before them. Ciel may notice that Howl is leading them back to the Aions' chambers, but as he's confronted with the unbecoming statements and behavior he showed while at death's door, he's starting to wonder if he really wants to let Ciel into his room again. Into his space. Into his mess.

So after the tense silence, he suddenly stops and looks to her. His face is so controlled, so neutral and blank, that it seems to tell on Howl's efforts to keep his true feelings from showing. ]

And what about it?

[ Not an entirely confrontational question — Howl was horribly injured that day and his memory is a bit fuzzy, especially after he was ushered into the makeshift emergency room. But nevertheless, he wonders what her ultimate goal is by bringing this up. Is she trying to catch him saying the wrong thing? Going to scold him for his lack of self-preservation? Howl doesn't believe that she actually cares about him — neither the her caring part, or him being worth caring about part. ]

[Defensive, or evasive? Suppose the difference doesn't matter, not in the big picture. He has every right to be suspicious, they barely know each other. They have no reason to have any investment in each other. Yet here they stand all the same, on the side of a force that would see every world unmade.

At the halting of his steps, she looks back up to meet him in the eye. The neutrality he reflects is polished and practiced, she's done it enough herself to recognize it in someone else. This back and forth...]

What are your wishes, Howl? What do you hope to gain and what pushes you forward, for yourself?

kenoma ➩ may 11th, late afternoon

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